Sex is Zero
by Sooky-babi
Summary: What do you do when your relationship seems to revolve around sex & a side dish of more sex? Naruto seeks help from a couples’ counselor who will hold the key in keeping Sasuke’s sexual appetite down…that’s what they hope! SasuNaru. ?/Naruto Yaoi. Crack


**Sex is Zero**

**Summary: **What do you do when your relationship seems to revolve around sex with a side dish of more sex? Naruto seeks help from a couples' counsellor who will hold the key in keeping Sasuke's sexual appetite down…that's what they hope! SasuNaru. ?/Naruto Yaoi. HumourCrack

**Note fro m Sooky: **

Since my absence from fanfiction has dumbfounded me when I realised it was nearly TWO whole years, I decided to at least shove out 2-3 of the stories I started more than 2 years ago and even saw the light of day. So here is the first of three stories that I had planned to be pushed out for your eyes. If you like it leave a comment…I'll decide on how to proceed with updates when I work out who is reading what! Meanwhile thank you for clicking, please enjoy,

**Disclaimers: **Sex and Naruto I don't own either, I'm sure Sasuke owns Naruto's ass though…very sure about it.

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**Prologue**

A rather attractive brunette narrowed his eyebrows and fixed his gaze onto his newest client.

'Mr. Uzumaki please understand that couple therapy will require your partner to be present at all sessions. The time invested by both parties will ensure the fulfilment of emotional bonds,' he stressed.

Dr. Iruka Umino, a prominent couples counsellor sat with his legs crossed, an opened leather-bound notebook resting on his lap and a pen in his hand hinted intently at the empty spot next to the young man.

Iruka's dark hazel eyes returned to the slender blonde man with bright blue crystal eyes, soft tousled hair and sun-kissed skin who shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, a quality leather lounge. The doctor certainly thought any one who hooked this delectable beauty must be of an equal pedigree.

'Just Naruto would be alright Doc,' soft lips pulled a big friendly smile and his eyes met the other, 'and about that…well…what I heard from Kiba…the things you helped with Hinata and all and…I mean about that…' he rattled on nervously, which amused Iruka ever so slightly that he had to swallow the chuckle welling from his throat to remain professional.

He nodded.

'Relax, Naruto. Iruka is fine; now tell me why your partner isn't here.'

The blonde hesitated.

'Well, Iruka I couldn't pry him away from the office…but I can get him here kinda,' he then scuffled into his caramel crested jacket pocket pulling out a black cell phone.

Naruto's fingers clumsily pressed a few buttons and set the phone on speaker, a dial tone rang through out the room; the device was then prompt onto the empty spot.

The blonde fiddle with his fingers as the call continued to connect, flashing a slight boyish quirk of the lips in a rather awkward moment. Whom ever he had called appeared to be quite unavailable, just as the doctor was about to talk about a rescheduling the receiver just managed to answer the phone before the attempted connection expired.

'Naruto what do you want babe? I'm busy right now, make it quick,' demanded a husky voice with a hint of irritation.

'Ummm, Sasuke you know how I asked you about getting help about…you know…the other night…and …' the voice in the phone interrupted.

'Naruto, how many times do I have to put it in your thick skull that I do not need some asswipe telling me how to_ love _you or _fuck_ you?'

The asswipe's raised an eyebrow, jotted down some notes and continued to listen to the lover's spat.

'Sasuke, you promised you'd at least listen to the session' Naruto bellowed to the phone.

A frustrated sigh left the speaker, 'I don't remember saying anything', it muttered.

The blonde continued to insist upon the agreement, 'well when we were in bed the other night you said yes to…' however he was cut short of the sentence.

'Look I will give you a good pounding after work, I might be late tonight but I'll wake you up so be a good boy and go to bed first.' The other demanded, '…and sleep naked.'

'Stupid self centred _asshole_!' the blonde screamed rather uncharacteristically, 'You are horrible, all you do is use me to satisfy yourself when ever you need it and you don't care a bit about me I hate you, I hate you I hate you.'

'Calm the fuck down, what's gotten into you lately? Are you are telling me you don't like me fucking you senseless?' scowled the voice.

'Don't you moan and wither under me?' he accused 'or have you been faking it all these years?'

Naruto fumed and retorted defensively.

'Of course I don't fake you…and I might enjoy it…but that's not the point _asshole_'

Iruka noted the use of cursives were likely a regular endearment speech pattern between the couple.

'Then, clearly there isn't a problem, I am capable of fucking your brains out everyday and you enjoy it, so save the name calling for tonight,' his lover dictated.

'Can you just let me finish? You never listen anymore, and there_ is_ a problem but you're always too busy to care! It's always about work, work, work and sex, sex, sex! You always do it so roughly and it _hurts_ you could at least care about how I feel. You know yours is big and it bloody hurts damn it!'

'You'll get more of it tonight Naruto,' Sasuke stated in a matter of fact voice.

'You know what Sasuke I had enough of you, you can go get fucked!' exclaimed the blonde as he reach to terminate the call.

'I will, remember naked, you idiot,' Sasuke remarked cunningly.

'_Ugh!!_ ' heaved Naruto before a disconnection tone belled in, he grabbed the black phone and squeezed it tightly in his fist.

Iruka smiled awkwardly. A sweat drop travelled down the side of his face. In his years as a relationship/sex therapist, he never had such a memorable couple. Usually he dealt with relationships that struggled to hold a libido higher than a potato between couples and this was an exception.

The brunette gave a small cough, ushering Naruto's attention back to the man who was meant to help 'their' problems.

Crimson flooded to the tanned cheeks, realizing he went partially ape shit to his long term boyfriend in front of the therapist.

'Sorry…aha...ha…I guess it's just going to be me today. If that's alright…,' he scratched the back of his gold mess.

'Don't sweat it Naruto, maybe next time Sasuke can come along but for now how about telling me about your self?' Iruka prompted.

Jumping to the task the blonde gave Iruka a run down.

'Well … um… I currently live with my boyfriend of five years and I met him during senior high and yes, his always been and will remain an asshole.'

'So, from the sounds of it you appear to dislike him?'

The word 'dislike' struck the blond hard, realizing he just spat the world 'hate' numerous times.

'Wait…I know I just said I hated him but I really don't mean it but it's just sometimes…well never mind…I guess when I say hate, I love him?' laughed Naruto.

His therapist nodded, 'That's alright Naruto, please continue.'

'Well, I finished my nursing degree but Sasuke doesn't let me practise, which is weird because he has a nurse uniform made for me and all and sometimes he would make me wear it and then it gets dirty with…' the blonde didn't even need to finish the sentence and Iruka noted _role-playing_ on the little guide to the blonde's and his lovers relationship and side noted _one sided_.

'He insists I remain a caretaker of his family's estates, I'm mostly moving around cleaning, managing and organising which I don't mind because there's a nice gardener that works for us so gardening is quite enjoyable'

'Sasuke doesn't really want me to work outside, he kept telling me about sexual harassment at the workplace and I_ know_ it happens.'

'Do you want to work Naruto?'

'Well, I did ask Sasuke about working because I didn't feel right smooching off him and all.' He hesitated before continuing, his cheeks returned to a flushed red colour.

'Sasuke suggested that I work as his secretary and I enjoyed the job most of the time. But that wasn't good such a good idea after a while because he was doing _it_ to me …during the day… and then we'd do_ it_ in the night, and once one of the clients came in…and it was so embarrassing, so I decided to quit.'

Iruka nodded as he scribbled.

'So Naruto, how do you feel when I say 'Sasuke'?' the brunette asked.

'The man who took my…' he hesitated with cheeks reddened '…virginity, hot, sex, food, ramen…'

Iruka raised an eyebrow.

'I have an unhealthy obsession with ramen' the blonde offered.

"There's a long story behind that one." The young man chuckled to himself, sharing a private joke with his mind and finally finished.

"I guess Sasuke is going to be the man I want spend the rest of my life with.' Naruto beamed with the last item on the list.

'I can see you feel strongly for Sasuke, but there are problems and that's why you are here, tell me about your sex life.'

'I really like doing it with Sasuke because his good in bed but I can't even remember the last time we spent a day with out sex. He gets really horny, especially after something blows over at work but considering we do it every night…is that even normal? I mean…I swear, after Kiba told me about these drugs that make your… you know what... I've checked the medicine cabinet his not taking any pills for it!'

'His lucky I don't have to get up for work and all because sometimes he does it more then five times in a row, and I mostly lose count by that stage and I really dislike the fact he leaves me covered in semen and he leaves it inside me and it feels weird and hot and I tell him not to and sometimes he leaves marks on me you know what they are called…mm.' detailed Naruto innocently.

'Hickeys?' suggested Iruka, he shifted his eyes from the blonde, and adjusted himself in his seat trying to hide his shame that he had visualized the slim blonde naked, sprawled out and heavily panting covered with his lovers fluids.

_Stay __professional…_chanted Iruka in his mind.

'A lot of them too, it's embarrassing especially because I try to cover it up when I'm out with friends, I even wear turtle necks to hide them in summer. I really wish he'd stop doing that,' ranted the blonde.

'Have you been forced to engage with Sasuke sexually?'

'Most of the time I'm not in the mood but Sasuke does this thing …and I can't…I tried…I mean I don't know. I…tell him I …I don't think I have.' The blonde seemed abashed.

_Submissive nature_ was scribbled next to the blonde's name in Iruka notes.

'How often do you masturbate Naruto?'

Naruto sat in silence and looked at Iruka as if he was an alien.

'Naruto?'

'Huh?...um…yeah…' that word felt so foreign to him, he learnt about masturbation in sexual education during middle school but he wasn't that horny as a kid, and as for performing such a erotic act…he could barely make a count on one hand…he must look very abnormal so he didn't give Iruka the count.

'I don't really…I haven't really done it much since…Sasuke…does _it _to me and I'm get tired and I …'

'I understand,' assured Iruka.

'Does Sasuke endorse the use of sex toys during your love sessions?'

'Sex toys?'

Iruka looked at the clueless boy.

'Items that are used to increase sexual pleasure and stimulation'

'Umm…no Sasuke only uses his fingers, his tongue and little Sasuke.'

Iruka couldn't help but smirk at the nickname; it was adorable when it slipped from the young man.

"So Iruka…mmm…do you think…you can help me, well us?"

The brunette gently uncrossed his legs, leant forwards and sad softly.

"There's definitely something I can prescribe for you." He paused and gently glanced at his patient.

'Simply you can begin with a single rule…' the brunette paused which drove Naruto to nod eagerly for the solution.

'Sex is Zero'

YAY, I have to say I wrote this more than 2 years ago but it never got posted, I checked it a bit and made it flow a little bit better. Please, if you enjoy it tell me what you think and whether I should continue. I have decidede to backlog any fics that aren't receiving much hits and having a visitor tally and reviews will encourage me to work on my fics. I think I'll try to update 'If Only' or 'Jail bait' next So if you want this baby make it happen do the right thing and tell me!

Love Sooky


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